“Every Adventure Requires a First Step” The Cheshire Cat

This morning as I was getting ready for work I did my usual routine. Sneak out of my bed so Keko didn’t wake to see me creeping out the bedroom. I retrieve my phone usually close by on the nightstand and scurry to the bathroom. I scroll through my Facebook timeline status updates looking for some inspiration for the day. Today I scroll through and see some old school friends doing well. That’s inspiration right???
I started reflecting on my life and thinking what happen? I did not fore see myself in this situation or living this life. Of course what we imagine for ourselves is always greater, grander more exciting but I was not living that. Up until four years ago I was living. I enjoyed my friends, my social life. I enjoyed myself. I laughed oh and yea I cried sometimes but very far few in between. Everyday was not a battle to stay HAPPY. I was powerful and I exuded that power. I believed in myself inside and out. I walked with my head held high knowing where I was going without looking down. Something magnetic drew people to me and I welcomed it. I had a lot of love and was pleased to share it with those that I felt were worthy. But those things are no longer me. I am not she. I’ll say I am not she right now because I know that all those things will come back even greater now that I am older I just must work on me.

Something happened and I lost something along the way. That something I am not sure but it’s more than one thing. Somethings happened that changed ME. I don’t know how it happened but it was many things. Many things that I thought was ok despite how I truly felt. Many things that didn’t feel right but I compromised who I was. I turned off my phone and finished my usual morning routine. I tread lightly to not wake anyone. I looked at myself thinking what happened. I need a change. I need a new look. I need a release, a break. What happened to me??

All along the way to the cab stop and the whole ride in the dollar cab to the train I thought about Me. Where is old Me? Is she lost in the club somewhere? Maybe still in her old room at her moms? Maybe in the heart of one of her old loves? They got her held captive and holding her for ransom? Or maybe the current one. Shit I don’t know where she is but this me now… I don’t like her. She seems weak to me and boring. No style, no fun and uninspired. That’s what I see when I look outside of ME.

Looking on the brighter side I know I won’t be her again because I had a different life then. I am a mother now but I shouldn’t be a boring one that has no fun and doesn’t live her life. I think as women we lose ourselves in things such as men, children, work and family. We forget who we are. We lose our identity. Maybe that’s why a lot of women SNAP? There is no balance and we give so much of ourselves and we keep nothing for ourself. On a phone interview I was asked “Who is Keisha?” My first answer in my head was “mom” but I knew no that is not who I am first. I am fun, loving, positive, spiritual … That is who I am and yes I happen to also be a mother.
We must retain our identity by doing the things that bring us joy which is not connected with anyone but ourselves. If you forgot what brought you joy just be still and the answer will come to you.

So now I’m on my quest to discover who I am. I know that what I find will be better than the old. She will be a little refined, a little sharper, a little wiser, a little more independent and a little more insightful. I’m not sure how long it will take but I’m determined to be in a happier state instead of just killing my soul. I will be More of an active participant in my life rather than a bystander. No longer compromising who I am and what I want.

When I look back on the past 4years of my life there were signs of my identity slipping away. It was like sand in an hour glass. I couldn’t catch hold of it and it happened steadily. I loved taking pictures of myself but now I barely carried a camera. My smiles were replaced with tears. My singing turned into yelling. My desire disappeared and I no longer knew what I wanted or where I wanted to go. My dreams became just ideas that I could no longer believe in actually coming reality. I became trapped in sadness and inclusive. I no longer had family gatherings at my home. I started struggling mentally, financially and emotionally. I talked less and worried more. Those around me noticed to but no one said anything. I believe they knew what the cause was but kept it to themselves. I am glad that I finally woke up out of that slippery slope of clinical depression. The struggles I have been faced with allow me to know who I am and so I’m thankful for struggles. Though it gets tough I now am learning who I am. I can go and discover and come up with a better version of ME!

I pray that if you too have lost your self that you find yourself. I hope what you find is a better you. Never stop Dreaming. And if you find yourself beating yourself up know that you have gifts and maybe you just don’t fit the Mold society created.

By Julz Wordsmith