I apologize to myself because I let myself down. Here I have an opportunity to do what I love and I wasn’t taking advantage of it. Some say life gets in the way but it’s not true. That is just another reason or excuse we say to make things ok. Life didn’t get in the way. The simple fact is I got a problem with time. I hate time. Despite my feelings toward it it still exists. I am not good with time and that’s why I hate it. I see time tick ticking away but I ignore it hoping it would go away but it doesn’t. Even now as I speak I have something due Monday and I still haven’t prepared for it.

My problem with time causes me to think I have plenty of time when in reality it may not be the case. I put things off until the last minute filling Time with all these other things. Someone ask me to do this or why I can’t do that. My response “I don’t have time”. I feel like the rabbit in Wonderland with the watch always talking about Time. I want to laugh but at the same time cry because the real truth is if I want to do something I will make the time. I will prepare properly. Just like I prepared for my sons first birthday. I was organized, detailed, did my research and left nothing out. I created a party with my power.

I’m so tired of the excuses I use and not being truly honest and saying “that doesn’t interest me” or “that’s not my focus right now” instead of saying “I don’t have time”. The truth is I don’t give a damn about no presentation I need to do at work. I have gone to school and put in my time with those types of things. I am not interested in going back to school or taking any classes. I don’t want to. I could careless about sitting for hours listening to talk and ramble. For the things I do care about I must and will give 100% of me.

Despite my lack of writing for the past few months I have thought about it and my desire is still there. I thought of numerous post that I could write but I never did. Time just tick tocked away as my blog was void of new thoughts. I said to myself every time I thought of this blog “I gotta write” but I never did until I was honest with myself and time. I mean honestly who made up this time? How can time even be real if we are always in the now?

When I go out I like to enjoy myself without constantly looking at the clock at the time. Seriously how can you enjoy yourself? I like to feel it out when I’m ready to leave. I think that notion gets me running behind in time because I may jam my two days off on the weekends and I become burnt out. No one else’s fault but mine. I become like a crazed maniac running from place to place speeding. How can one live in the moment when they are always pressed for time? It seems so robotic to me and now that I am a Mom ….. time is a joke. My baby makes his own time. So all in all I have to do better to estimate and not procrastinate when it comes to things and people that respect time.

I’m no longer going to see time as something that pains me but as something that aids me. I’m working on this positive outlook of time but in the mean time I will be honest about my time. I will be honest about what I’m truly interested in.

How do you feel about time? Are you like me where I am a rebel to it? Or do you respect it? If your a mom how do you work with? Share your pointers with me.