JESUS take da Wheel

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JESUS take the Wheel!!!

Sometimes I wish someone would just take the wheel over my life. I am driving my car of life and sometimes I get lost. Sometimes I pull over. Sometimes my Co-Pilot isn’t doing their job. Sometimes my Co-Pilot changes. I even have times where its been me driving by myself down a dark road with very little light and no destination insight. I know I was giving a driver’s license which means I know how to drive but sometimes I wish I knew a better way, a simple way to get where I want to be. A way without detours, accidents, traffic or speed limits that no one adheres to. Sometimes its discouraging to see others that you did start the drive with surpass you with their big luxurious car. Hahaha they just wave to you as they leave you in the dust. You try not to look and you look down to put on your shades. Or how about the Co-Pilot that wasnt doing a good job gets in their own ride and now they have a new Co-Pilot. I scratch my head at that one too.  There are times where I put this thang into cruise control because I’m at a comfortable pace but that never lasts too long. I pull over sometimes to regroup because at that moment I have lost my way. I’m trying not to panic and I don’t want to keep burning gas and become stuck without reaching my destination. At this point in my life I’ve pulled over. I got my son in the backseat and Shit I don’t know where I’m going. I can’t be out here to late. I’m limited in snacks and food but momma had to pull over.

In life it will be necessary to pull it over, take a time out and collect your thoughts. Look at the road map. Call your Aunty or a good friend that is good with directions and knows how to guide you. What happens when you don’t trust anyone enough to direct you or you just don’t have that person to direct you? You do it ALONE!!!!

I imagined myself to be in a different road with a different car with more of a stable road. But this ain’t that and I’m here talking about “Jesus take the wheel”. I’m being funny but I know Jesus can’t take the wheel and I know no one else would do that either. It’s my car and I’m the Captain. I dont know how long I will be on the side of this road but it will be until I figure out where I’m going and the best way to get there. I’m content with that and I’m no longer worried about who passes me and what they are driving. Those are not my concerns. I learned to not depend on Co-Pilots because they don’t know my car and what it is capable of and sometimes they are sitting up front because it looks good. So I rely on me and blame me for my mistakes.

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So if u happen to see me on the side of the road know that I’m ok and just say a little prayer for me.

By Julz Wordsmith

TRYING 2 FIND My Way BACK 2 YOU

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“Every Adventure Requires a First Step” The Cheshire Cat

 

This morning as I was getting ready for work I did my usual routine. Sneak out of my bed so Keko didn’t wake to see me creeping out the bedroom. I retrieve my phone usually close by on the nightstand and scurry to the bathroom. I scroll through my Facebook timeline status updates looking for some inspiration for the day. Today I scroll through and see some old school friends doing well. That’s inspiration right???
I started reflecting on my life and thinking what happen? I did not fore see myself in this situation or living this life. Of course what we imagine for ourselves is always greater, grander more exciting but I was not living that. Up until four years ago I was living. I enjoyed my friends, my social life. I enjoyed myself. I laughed oh and yea I cried sometimes but very far few in between. Everyday was not a battle to stay HAPPY. I was powerful and I exuded that power. I believed in myself inside and out. I walked with my head held high knowing where I was going without looking down. Something magnetic drew people to me and I welcomed it. I had a lot of love and was pleased to share it with those that I felt were worthy. But those things are no longer me. I am not she. I’ll say I am not she right now because I know that all those things will come back even greater now that I am older I just must work on me.

Something happened and I lost something along the way. That something I am not sure but it’s more than one thing. Somethings happened that changed ME. I don’t know how it happened but it was many things. Many things that I thought was ok despite how I truly felt. Many things that didn’t feel right but I compromised who I was. I turned off my phone and finished my usual morning routine. I tread lightly to not wake anyone. I looked at myself thinking what happened. I need a change. I need a new look. I need a release, a break. What happened to me??

All along the way to the cab stop and the whole ride in the dollar cab to the train I thought about Me. Where is old Me? Is she lost in the club somewhere? Maybe still in her old room at her moms? Maybe in the heart of one of her old loves? They got her held captive and holding her for ransom? Or maybe the current one. Shit I don’t know where she is but this me now… I don’t like her. She seems weak to me and boring. No style, no fun and uninspired. That’s what I see when I look outside of ME.

Looking on the brighter side I know I won’t be her again because I had a different life then. I am a mother now but I shouldn’t be a boring one that has no fun and doesn’t live her life. I think as women we lose ourselves in things such as men, children, work and family. We forget who we are. We lose our identity. Maybe that’s why a lot of women SNAP? There is no balance and we give so much of ourselves and we keep nothing for ourself. On a phone interview I was asked “Who is Keisha?” My first answer in my head was “mom” but I knew no that is not who I am first. I am fun, loving, positive, spiritual … That is who I am and yes I happen to also be a mother.
We must retain our identity by doing the things that bring us joy which is not connected with anyone but ourselves. If you forgot what brought you joy just be still and the answer will come to you.

So now I’m on my quest to discover who I am. I know that what I find will be better than the old. She will be a little refined, a little sharper, a little wiser, a little more independent and a little more insightful. I’m not sure how long it will take but I’m determined to be in a happier state instead of just killing my soul. I will be More of an active participant in my life rather than a bystander. No longer compromising who I am and what I want.

When I look back on the past 4years of my life there were signs of my identity slipping away. It was like sand in an hour glass. I couldn’t catch hold of it and it happened steadily. I loved taking pictures of myself but now I barely carried a camera. My smiles were replaced with tears. My singing turned into yelling. My desire disappeared and I no longer knew what I wanted or where I wanted to go. My dreams became just ideas that I could no longer believe in actually coming reality. I became trapped in sadness and inclusive. I no longer had family gatherings at my home. I started struggling mentally, financially and emotionally. I talked less and worried more. Those around me noticed to but no one said anything. I believe they knew what the cause was but kept it to themselves. I am glad that I finally woke up out of that slippery slope of clinical depression. The struggles I have been faced with allow me to know who I am and so I’m thankful for struggles. Though it gets tough I now am learning who I am. I can go and discover and come up with a better version of ME!

I pray that if you too have lost your self that you find yourself. I hope what you find is a better you. Never stop Dreaming. And if you find yourself beating yourself up know that you have gifts and maybe you just don’t fit the Mold society created.

By Julz Wordsmith

Down that Rabbit Hole.

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I apologize to myself because I let myself down. Here I have an opportunity to do what I love and I wasn’t taking advantage of it. Some say life gets in the way but it’s not true. That is just another reason or excuse we say to make things ok. Life didn’t get in the way. The simple fact is I got a problem with time. I hate time. Despite my feelings toward it it still exists. I am not good with time and that’s why I hate it. I see time tick ticking away but I ignore it hoping it would go away but it doesn’t. Even now as I speak I have something due Monday and I still haven’t prepared for it.

My problem with time causes me to think I have plenty of time when in reality it may not be the case. I put things off until the last minute filling Time with all these other things. Someone ask me to do this or why I can’t do that. My response “I don’t have time”. I feel like the rabbit in Wonderland with the watch always talking about Time. I want to laugh but at the same time cry because the real truth is if I want to do something I will make the time. I will prepare properly. Just like I prepared for my sons first birthday. I was organized, detailed, did my research and left nothing out. I created a party with my power.

I’m so tired of the excuses I use and not being truly honest and saying “that doesn’t interest me” or “that’s not my focus right now” instead of saying “I don’t have time”. The truth is I don’t give a damn about no presentation I need to do at work. I have gone to school and put in my time with those types of things. I am not interested in going back to school or taking any classes. I don’t want to. I could careless about sitting for hours listening to talk and ramble. For the things I do care about I must and will give 100% of me.

Despite my lack of writing for the past few months I have thought about it and my desire is still there. I thought of numerous post that I could write but I never did. Time just tick tocked away as my blog was void of new thoughts. I said to myself every time I thought of this blog “I gotta write” but I never did until I was honest with myself and time. I mean honestly who made up this time? How can time even be real if we are always in the now?

When I go out I like to enjoy myself without constantly looking at the clock at the time. Seriously how can you enjoy yourself? I like to feel it out when I’m ready to leave. I think that notion gets me running behind in time because I may jam my two days off on the weekends and I become burnt out. No one else’s fault but mine. I become like a crazed maniac running from place to place speeding. How can one live in the moment when they are always pressed for time? It seems so robotic to me and now that I am a Mom ….. time is a joke. My baby makes his own time. So all in all I have to do better to estimate and not procrastinate when it comes to things and people that respect time.

I’m no longer going to see time as something that pains me but as something that aids me. I’m working on this positive outlook of time but in the mean time I will be honest about my time. I will be honest about what I’m truly interested in.

How do you feel about time? Are you like me where I am a rebel to it? Or do you respect it? If your a mom how do you work with? Share your pointers with me.

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My AUNTIE

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I see a woman that looks like you. Not exactly like you but she looks the way you would if you were sitting there. She is slightly aged. Her skin is a nice healthy sheen. She is wearing her hair curly just like you did. Same length and all except you colored yours Auburn. Yes… I remember. I wonder if she smells like you too. You use to wear that perfume that was strong and sophisticated just like you. She is tall and lengthy just like you. Just looking at her brought tears to my eyes. I had to look up to the ceiling of the train to stop them from falling down my face.

I miss you Auntie (Aunt Bertha). I hope no one sees these little tears or thinks I’m crazy. I’m just missing this lady that meant so much to me at a young age. I wish she was here to tell some more stories and give her wisdom.

It has been 16 years since the day you departed to become an Ancestor. It feels like last year. You were a classy woman full of life. Pulled no punches. Told you how it was and then some. A powerful personality that was never intimated and cursed you out when she felt like it. It was all out of love though. She loved big and hard. That is the way Leo’s love. You either learned to love her or just stayed away from her.

Growing up with her as my Grand Aunt allowed me to be Me. She taught me to be comfortable with me and how to stand up for myself. She didn’t care, like her or not. She had lost her sight by the time I was a teenager but that didn’t stop her from being “Fabolous”. She needed assistance from her husband but that didn’t stop her from looking well put together.

But I can’t help looking at this woman because it hurts my heart but it makes me think of you. She inspired me to write this. This woman is a shell but inside she carries herstory, wisdom, magic, power and love. This is what the elder women carry inside them. No books will ever replicate that. I just wish I still had my Grand Aunt here on Earth so that I can sit at her feet to hear her stories and ask her advice or what the recipe was for Turkey legs. With her passing she took this knowledge with her. Maybe I should pray tonight and call on her.

If you have any Elder women in your life appreciate them for they are Supreme and are magical.

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FIFTEEN MONTHS

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I know I have been MIA but I am back.

I have been dealing with some family situations but everything is better and now I can finally breath.

I promised details about my Suns birthday so here we go.

My sons first birthday was a hit. Let me tell you. Everything fell right into place. The color and theme were Royalty with Purple and Gold. You could call me the Director of Operations here!!! I put so much time and energy into this celebration and was very satisfied with the outcome. All things went well and better than planned. Of course I felt like I was swept in time. Everything went so fast, moved so fast. I was so anxious I barely slept. The days before the party I was like a working horse pacing myself so I could finish the race.

Did you take off from work? Yes of course I took off from work. I had to. It would be impossible to accomplish a first birthday party after work in the evenings with a close to one year old to attend to and take care of the house.

Where did u get your ideas from?
I attended some children’s birthday parties throughout the year which inspired me to throw mine. I also researched a lot via Pinterest and the internet.

Is there a particular store you bought the party items from? I order a good amount of things off the internet. I researched prices so that I used the best deal. I looked at reviews and more importantly I didn’t jump at the first things I seen. Party city was for my last min items and a few other things that made sense to buy from them.

Was it a lot of work?
It was a lot of work and if I didn’t plan properly it would’ve turned into a disaster. I was the only one making the chocolate covered items. Keko’s dad did help with the goodie bags but that was about all the help I received. Of course I received man power to help bring the items to the party but the decorating was all on me. Of course I paid someone to do the balloons and someone else to make the cakes. I am not skilled in those areas yet.

Would you throw another party?
Of course I would. Seeing how everything came together and the joy on everyone’s face young and old was worth it all. I actually can’t wait for the next event.

I made candy apples, purple and yellow chocolate dipped rice Krispy Treats , purple and Yellow chocolate dipped pretzels. I also made the goodie bags. I was very proud of myself because I allowed myself to be creative and I enjoyed. I felt so good after seeing all my ideas become a reality. There were kids running everywhere. Kids with painted faces. Kids with cotton candy in there hands. Kids with sand art around there necks. Kids eating. Kids jumping, crying and happy. The kids were all having fun and that brought me joy.

Though this was a celebration it was a revelation to me in regards to a few things on different levels. I realized that I do have creative talent when I am in the right environment. Many things are stifling me or are like road blocks they prohibit me from expanding. I must figure out what it may be. I must learn how to give 100% for everything I do that I love. Now that isn’t hard but there are a few things that I do that I don’t love and I don’t give my all. So I must do what I love or love what I do or I will be distracted and disengaged. That’s me.

My sons first birthday meant the world to me. For the people I love I give 100% and on this day I didn’t get it back. I’m disappointed because of the image these particular people display but they just don’t show and prove. I wanted to retaliate and bug out but I know it’s not worth it because Kekos birthday was a hit without them. The ones that were there were supposed to be there were. The after party of course took place at my house. The celebration continued. Kids were playing, adults were all laughing and talking. I just stood for a moment off to the side and watched as life was taking place. It was such a joy to have family in my apartment there for Keko.
In that moment I was overjoyed and ecstatic. It felt like a dream. His birthday was so perfect.

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Happy Birthday & Happy New Year

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Someone Cue the flutes,
Cue the clarinets,
Cue the drums and a roar of hands clap.

My baby boy is turning One years old in ONE week. Invitations have been mailed I’ve got the place booked. I got the cake ordered. Entertainment is lined up and my little Prince has his garbs for his big day. I have been so consumed with party planning, dealing with my moms health and my home life that I don’t have much time for anything else. I have been ripping and running this month (hence the reason for less blogs). Things just gotta be right for my little Star. He deserves the extra effort and energy I can dedicate to the party. It will be a celebration. Can you say Celebrate??? I will be relieved when I get a moment to chill. Then on to the next event right??? Hahahaha

It feels just like yesterday when my water broke in the bathroom at work. Many many Hours later I was in labor with him , pushing him out. My Sister and my Mom were there the whole time. My Sister held my hand and held me up when I walked the room with contractions. She made me laugh and watched over our mom and I when we slept. I wanted a Doula there but who needs a Doula when a sister like mine was there? Her and my mom were a definite Support for me. Even the pregnancy was like a flash in my mind. Going through 10 months of pregnancy seemed like forever while I was pregnant but it was really a flash of time compared to all the time I will have with him as he grows into a young Man. When I think about it that little person helped me push him out. The labor was a joint effort between both of us. Our first collaboration of many. He wasn’t due until the 3rd of April. My mother scheduled my shower for the 29th of March. Was she cutting it close or what? I guess Keko decided he wanted to be at the shower. Deciding if he should be at the shower was a struggle in itself. I decided to keep him up stairs at my moms house. The day of that shower I helped host the party and breastfeed my baby. My role of Superhero started that day. I was like flash. I was at the shower one moment and the next I was upstairs breastfeeding Keko.

He was born on the first day of spring. In many cultures they consider that to be the new year because we have transitioned out of darkness and back into light. What a very powerful day Keko decided to make his entrance into the world. I know I’m going to have my hands full with him. I’ll be praying for strength. So not only is it his birthday but it’s the New Year.

I am so thankful for my support team which are my close family members and friends. I wouldn’t of had a year like this without them (You). The women helped me handle Motherhood and being the Woman of the home. This year was tough for me because I had to learn how to balance Mylife. I am still learning how to balance while growing at the same time. You see in my last post I mentioned not getting out to hang. As I said before I am just fine with that. Me and Keko go out to birthday parties and gatherings. I watch everyone else drink and we have a good time.

So many nights I questioned myself. Some times others even questioned me. Sheesh sometimes I questioned myself because of what others said to me. Keko was never unsure and never doubted me. They say faith the size of a mustard seed but they should say faith like a baby. Babies are the purest form of what we should be; Spiritual beings. This is before this world has programmed us and instituted fear. But I degress.

Don’t get me wrong I am not saying I got it all together (fingers snapping) but I’m saying I’m handling and balancing my life much better. Those around me know that Keko is such a joy to be around. He is my Sun shining. He helped me grow into a better person. I had to face some fears. So one year complete and many more to go.

I just want to take the time to Grant my Sun, my young King and my Future, love, prosperity, joy, and Wisdom. May he always have cloths on his back, food in his belly, love in his heart and peace in his soul.

& So it is.

I will post some pics of the party so stay tuned.

Happy New Year all!

Break for love

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Being a Mommy my weekend schedule consists of shopping with the baby and taking my Mom shopping. I don’t get to go out because I love being with my Son every chance I get. You have to almost pry my hands off of him to make me separate from him. I wish I could bring him to work with me. I understand there will be a time for hanging out just not now. I accept that with my new role.

So I’m going to give you the usual run down for my Saturday. We start out at about one in the afternoon and finish at about 7pm ish. Don’t laugh but this is usually my weekends. Being a New Mommy my schedule on the weekdays does not permit me to shop but forces me to cram all my extra activities into the weekend. There is never a dull moment in Parenthood. So you can understand the joy and freedom when my little one spent time with his Daddy without me while I went to shop. Yippiee

The idea of just getting in my car to go sounded awesome. I almost ran to the car before he changed his mind. I had no stroller to fold. No car seat to snap in. No Baby to kiss before we pulled off. I missed hearing him babbling in the back or just grunting to put him self to sleep. The simple little things that let me know he was there. I missed all of that. As I got out of the car to head into the store I walked past the back door. As I usually do. But No Baby car seat. I felt an emptiness but Keko was with Daddy. I breathed a big sigh and continued to the store. I just swung my hands freely with no stroller to push.

I can’t imagine what my life would be like without my little Prince. Actually it’s scary for me to even try to imagine. All those things I did before don’t even matter. You ask me what I did before him? Mmmm…. I filled my time with a bunch of nonsense. My life has a new found purpose. Being around my Nieces and Nephews brought me so much joy. I enjoyed being their Auntie. I treated them as my own. Always thinking of them, buying them gifts, spending as much time with them as I could and making sure they always smiled. I modeled my example of a stand out Aunt to my Auntie Debbie (God bless her soul). My Auntie was so beautiful inside and out. Although she passed many moons ago the memories I have of her are so precious. She definitely left an etch on my heart.

I have so much love in me. What do I do with this? During the last 10 years of my life I silently prepared for Wife hood and Motherhood. I had this idea in my head implanted by society that marriage would come first. It almost did. Those close to me knew of my desire to build a family. I wanted it but I was not willing to make the wrong choice. I didn’t want to make the mistake many young women make and that was not making sure I was ready. You have to be ready mentally, physically and spiritually. I didn’t want to make a selfish move that would cost me a life full of regret, extra stress and unhappiness. The person you choose to create this life with also has to be ready. I’ve seen my fair share of fatherless homes. I’m sure you have too. I was not willing to create a child knowing that it would be doomed to fail from the start. This is why I took my time to have a child.

And so now I use my Aunt Deb as an example of a loving Mother. My Mother as an example of a committed Mom. My Grandmother as a dedicated unrelenting love. These three woman helped shape n mold me into Me. The Daughter, Sister, Friend, Lover, and Mother. I’m evolving everyday but the core of who I am remains. I am a Lover first. I came here because the love of two people brought me here. The love of experience kept me here and it’s only right I share this love with someone else.

I got exactly what I asked for and now my days and nights are filled with diaper changes, spit up designed clothes, ears filled with baby talk, wobbly legs and big cheesy smiles. I love the decision I made regardless of my lack of free time. What are some things you have done for love? Have you done those things for the right reasons? Who are your role models of a Supreme love?

The Time is Now!!!

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I had to wrote a post before this month was over. I want to reflect on the January’s of past lol. You know what I am talking about. The beginning of the year when you made a promise for the rest of the year. You never seen it through. You left it feeling like a failure because your goals were unrealistic. So much pressure how were they ever attainable. Insanity to think this year you were going to actually stand by your word. You couldn’t commit and every year you did this lol. Leaving January sorry.

January, the month where you hear everyone talk about resolutions. Gym memberships go up. Everyone vows to get their life on track. All of January everyone is on their best behavior because maybe Santa didn’t give them what they asked for or they ate to much over the holidays. They blame the holidays for the extra pounds they gained instead of being honest and acknowledging that most of the weight gained was from the rest of the year not no little holidays!!! They blame the holidays for the reason they can’t get along with family. Lol. Let us be honest you were have issues with these people all year round.

I feel sad for January because it’s not really appreciated for what it truly is. It truly is a time to reflect and hibernate. I would call this month of lies lol due to everyone’s behavior. It’s not January’s fault that people cram all their desires of the year into 31days. I use to participate in this whole new year resolution thang but I learned to not wait until the beginning of the year to be better Me. Everyday is an opportunity to be a better you. I learned to use every second as an opportunity to correct my self. Ok ok ok let’s pause right here*** I am a wombman that means I have emotions, I am capable of loving, I get upset and I have fears. I am an evolving wombman. I am constantly growing learning. I choose to not just exist in this world. After a heated discussion I review over what made me so heated. I have learned that everyone does not see things the same way I do. I accept that.*** I want to be better for me. Better for my son and better for my loved ones. I understand that I am a representative of the life I lead and that’s why I am so careful when making decisions. My family is watching me.

Ok, so there are 12 months in the year and each day the sun rises where you are without fail. It maybe a cloudy gloomy day but the Sun is there behind it all. Still shinning and radiating. Doing what it was meant to do. Each day is a brand new start. Why wait until January to get your life in order? That is way to much pressure. Why take one giant leap when you can take consistent small steps. If you mess up on the giant leap you have to take a giant leap back. You don’t lose much ground on small steps.

Let’s just start with being honest daily with ourselves about the real issues. The real reasons we don’t have any female friends. The real reason you don’t get along with your family. The real reason your over weight. The real reason your alone. Once we do that then we can seek real solutions. Solutions that truly will work. Turn off that programming and take charge over your life. The answer is inside of you not Beyoncé and Jay-Z or Kim and Kanye.

I love January like I love mornings. It gives me another chance. Another opportunity to do things better. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Anytime is the best time to be a better you. Don’t wait for the perfect time.
I pray that this post touches your heart

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Competition

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Forging is a process used to shape iron by hammering while hot. Iron must be worked with at high temperatures in which the hammer is used to shape the iron. A hammer is then used to mantle the iron while hot. This is the only way to shape iron. After your work with the iron is done it must be quenched with cool water. This is the life of a blacksmith. This is my life. After each and every battle (struggle) that I have faced I sharpen the edges that have become dull. With time I have refined much like a sword.

After every battle I go back in the shop and I go to work. I think about what I did wrong and what I could have done better. I know that with every battle I will not come out the victor and that is ok. I don't need to win every battle to win the war but just the right ones. Right now I am gonna say life is a war that I will win. I am sharpening my sword for the next battle. I am the soldier. I am the blacksmith.

It's all about how you see life. The glasses I have seen through 10 years ago or even 5 years ago are not the same I wear today. I think different. I look different. I see different. I even love different. My DNA is different. I have evolved and that is the point of life; to evolve higher. Many of us get caught up in the struggle. Some of us struggle because we are trying to be something we are not. We look at an image and think I want that or I gotta have that. The struggle starts as soon as we have those thoughts.

Some time last week me and a coworker were having a discussion about the way she was dressed. She was wearing clothes that maybe a 14 yr old would wear but she is in her late 40s. She stated that people talk about how she is dressed and they wish they could be like her. Then she said that she was in a competition with the younger women. "Competition is good for people. We need It." she said. She then went on to state that "competition is good for people because it helps you be better. Without competition we would not know who is better like The Olympics." Countries all over the planet get together at one location and compete to see who is the best in each and every sport. It gives a country bragging rights. Women also compete with each other as to who looks the best. Look at the beauty pageant for a minute. Here we have women from every state in North America competing to see who is Miss America. Women that fit what look? What standard? You win and it does what? Boost your ego. A short boost to your ego. You then feel what? The best but that doesn't last long because soon after you are searching for something else to boost your ego, your esteem. Someone else to be better than.

Competition is programmed in the minds of the people. They believe that everything is a competition. This society is built on who has it and who has it better. Who does it better. Being the best is something that everyone wants to be but by whose standards? Who cares who is better?
This country programs competition in the minds of children which then grow up to be competing adults. You have people that watch celebrities for the latest in fashion. People have grown so accustomed to looking at everyone else that they forget to stir their own damn pot. Competition is just the start of unhappiness that leads to jealousy and envy. Or is it? You will never be like that person but you can one up them but at what cost?

I disagreed with her idea of competition. Competition is such a negative thing to be in. What I do is allow other people to INSPIRE me. There is a difference between COMPETITION and INSPIRATION. When I am inspired it moves me to be a better, higher me and not to be better than someone else. I no longer desire to be better than anyone else. Competition was the idea of the old me. I wanted to be better than someone else because I knew I would receive acknowledgment for it and it would inflate my ego. Now I long to be the best me and Inspiration is the new way I think. I look for ways I can be a better Mother, Daughter, Auntie, Sister and Lover. I have learned to stay in my lane. I'm fine with my lane. I no longer feel like some one is better than me because I understand we are all trying to reach the same destination. Some of us are just taking different routes and different cars and I'm ok with that. I love what I drive and the path I am taking. If I choose to change my vehicle or route it will be because I choose to and not because I want to better than any other driver.

The problem here is that individuals do not accept who they are. We look to the media to dictate what is the ideal. We are not perfect like the images and ideas are on TV. Even the images and ideas don't work because they are not perfect. Accepting who you are will help lead you to a more fulfilling life. Stay in your lane. Don't look to the left or to the right to compare yourself. That will only lead to frustration because you will never be anyone else but yourself.

Around seven years ago I would have agreed with her idea about Society needing competition. It allowed me to compare myself to someone else. It allowed me to know where I stood compared to those individuals. I never was the jealous or envious type but in my head these individuals were my competitors and they didn't even know it. But one day I woke up and realized that I did not want to be Melissa or Roxanne. I was me and no one else could be ME. There was only one Me. I set my own standard. I walk my own path. I love the way I want. I sing the way I feel and all is well with me. If I fall I know it's ok. I pick myself up and I keep going. I allow myself to feel whatever it is I'm feeling. I feel myself out of a situation. Advice is good from a select few but your heart knows what is best. Are you listening to your heart? Are you paying attention to how u feel? Are you staying in your lane?

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Tragedy

by

Finding the time to do what I want to do personally for me is quite hard with an 8month old. As soon as I walk through the door after work it is Mommy Time. He fills my weekends so you can understand the struggle of trying to go to the movies without him. It was either I had someone to go with and no babysitter or a babysitter and no one to go with. So, I decided I would take the baby and the babysitter (my mom) with me to the movies. What a great combination because she loves him and he loves her cause well she looks like his mommy. Now don’t get me wrong my little one is well behaved but this was his first visit to a movie theatre and I didn’t want to be one of those moms with a screaming baby in the audience (the one we all whispered about wondering why she would bring her baby to the theatre) so I took some precautions. I made sure it was an early show. The less people the better. I made sure to feed him before we left. I would be eating popcorn and I was not willing to share with my 8 month old besides a babies hunger cries are the worst ones. If u haven’t heard them yet, God bless. I only planned to be outside for 3 hours anyway but they were well worth it. Yes they were all worth it since I don’t get out much since having my son.

I am a movie goer. I love movies plain and simple. As a teenage that is all I would do. I remember when my dad would call me to see what I had been up to and he would say “going to the movies again?”

So you ask what movie I did all this for? Well it was for The Best Man Holiday, of course. I grew up on this movie. I would watch it over and over and over again. Still to this date I can watch that movie repeatedly. One of the rare movies I can do that with.

The Best Man Holiday a sequel to The Best Man takes place about 10 years or so later. The story of these 10 friends gather together during the holidays for the first time since Lance and Mia’s wedding. The sequel movie dealt with betrayal, honesty, forgiveness and faith just like the first. You would think 10 years later these characters wouldn’t be struggling with these qualities but that’s not real life now is it? In real life we struggle daily with being honest, forgiving and having faith.

The Movie had some laughs, some fights but a death??? Who seen that coming? Not me!!! It seemed like 20 mins after we found out Mia was battling cancer her body was being laid into it’s final resting place. She was gone just like that. WHY was little Mia dead??

I cried with Lance as he collapsed to the ground as Mia’s casket was lowered into her grave. I cried because his rock, his support, the one that kept him grounded was gone. Not only did Lance have to deal with the grievance of his young, loving, departed wife he also had to finally deal with forgiveness and trust with his friend Harper(his best man). Lance was able to truly forgive Harpers jaded past. Harper was then encouraged by Lance to admit to his friends and pregnant wife about his financial crisis. With this honesty his retiring, Quarter back star friend Lance agreed to give Harper the opportunity to write his Autobiography. Although these two were absent from each other’s lives they were able to pick up where they left off once they forgave and were honest with each other. It was even beautiful to see Lance deliver Harpers daughter the day of the funeral. He lost a life and in the same breath was able help deliver a new one. When one door closes another opens, Right?

Once again this is a movie but I do feel that it did a decent job of reflecting real life. I mean, well real life does not get solved in 2 hours but you get the drift?

In life you will experience love and loss. How often do we wait until a tragedy happens before we release something that should be let go? You know it should be let go because you are not happy cause of it and it weighs your spirit down. Look at you, you got the death grip on it! “Over my dead body will I let it go” you say? There are many times in real life that we do not listen to our inner voice/HolySpirit/Intuition/Angel/guide/Higher self (whatever you choose to call it) and we suffer. We suffer because we do not release something that is not healthy for ourselves. We in turn experience frustration because that very thing we are holding on to isn’t going the way we expect it to. We hold on even when and after it makes us sick. We pray for guidance, for a change but the change we seek is within. Listen to that voice, you know, the one your ignoring. You’ve got to let go of what’s weighing you down that is making you sick. Your spirit becomes affected and becomes heavy with these bondages and burdens you carry. Think a bag lady. Our spirit should be light as a feather the way it came into this world and so it shall leave the same.

I am struggling with knowing when to let go. I am not perfect but I’m learning everyday to listen to that voice.

It is inevitable that in life you will experience love and loss. Will you let a tragedy happen before you let it go? Are there some things you need to let die?

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