I am not one to claim to know it all and I definitely don’t have it all. I have just what I need and that is enough for me. I don’t have envious eyes. I know that whatever I need will be given to me if I don’t have it. The beautiful thing about life is the Discovery of one self. That is the path I have been on.

The experience of discovering who you are and not who every one has been telling you that you are or wanting you to be. It is like a flower unfolding. Once you know who you are then it’s the process of knowing that you are enough and appreciating you when no one else will. Supporting you, loving you and giving to you when you need it. It took me some time to know that I am not who they say I am. I am not who they want me to be. I tried to do it. I tried to make them happy but I just couldn’t. It was as if every time I would mean to and became real close to it something would cause the perception of me to be distorted. Operation fail. Or how about it just didn’t feel natural or fluid. Trying to people please will definitely bring you to your knees. I eventually gave up on trying and decided I am me and fuck you for wanting me to be perfect all the damn time or always happy or always friendly or giving. Shit, I have feelings too. People will do as much as you let…right??? Step right over you and look down at you. They will ask “what are you doing down there?” and keep it moving.

When I was in high school like many girls during my decade I went thru the phase of realizing I wanted to dress more like a girl with fitted clothes. We just came out of the Kris Kross era of baggy everything. My mother was not down with that. I do believe one time my father (God bless his soul) gave me some money in ninth grade and I went to the mall with some of my friends. I had plans for this money. I was on the search for something mommy wouldn’t buy me herself. That money itched in my hand and I was ready to spend it. As I approached the store favored by teenage girls I became so nervous and happy all at once. It was really happening. My opportunity to final dress cute had arrived. Trying on the clothes felt so good. I was busty at a young age and so some a lot of the shirts didn’t fit properly. I didn’t care because I found the jeans I wanted and they fit just right. I modeled those jeans in that dressing room. I would walk toward the mirror, tilt my head, hand on hip and shake my hips and turn to walk away. Not much room in the fitting room but it was my runway with all eyes on me despite it being the size of a broom closet. I was content with just buying those jeans and nothing else at all. It was all I could afford that I liked. This was one of my first experiences of me coming into my own feminine self. An experience that I go through everyday. I walked out of that store feeling like a million bucks with my pair of jeans.

My mother did not want me wearing those jeans but I didn’t care what she thought. In my eyes she wanted me to be Ugly or something. She was a Hater. I liked boys and I mean… face it!!!! I was a teenager and as all teenagers do they like the opposite sex and develop these crushes. I had to sneak out every chance I had to wear those jeans. Talks with my dad reassured me that what I wanted to do was normal and ok. He expected that to happen but let mommy tell it oh it was the worse thing. It was her fear that tried to control my coming of age as it was around that same very age she became pregnant with my eldest brother. She was still carrying that teenage mother baggage and trying to dump it on me. I had no intentions of having sex with anyone at that moment or even thinking about a baby. Shit, I just started shaving the hair under my arms and I was quite satisfied with pretending my cabbage dolls were my babies. This is how people place their bullshit on to you. Before you know it your smelling shit and wonder where it came from but no it was them. They have an issue with something and then want you to make it your issue too. I have always been hurt by women and so I don’t trust you cause your a woman. Some stupid nonsense like this. I dealt with a lot of this. I still deal with it now. Only difference between now and then is that I am more aware of who I am. I am more aware of what I will deal with and More of what I will tolerate. I am becoming aware of who’s baggage belongs to who. I can see truth for what it is and not what I want it to be.

Life is like a flower Constantly unfolding one petal at a time. Things are always being revealed to you as your awareness gains strength. I am at the point in my life where I am seeing who I am and who every one said I am. I mean seriously How do they know who I am when I’m figuring out who I am daily???

Enjoy this experience of life. Look at every good or bad thing as a lesson. There is always something to be gained. Don’t allow others to tell you who you are. You came here with a purpose, with a vision. Awaken and live. Be happy because your worth it. Work Whatcha Got!!!!
By Julz Wordsmith

My blogs are my thoughts, my experience in this path of life. My discovery of Life. I am sharing who I am because I’m sure many can identify with what I write. Not being surrounded by uplifting people can cause you to work harder. It can cause you to struggle. Make you sweat blood.

By Julz Wordsmith